Here we are: the crud of the crop, the lowest of the low. The games featured on this list are the ones that I had the absolute least fun with; the ones which, after playing, led me to take a cold 10 minute shower with twenty bars of soap to wash off their pure bile. Hyperbole is fun. Let’s get to the list.
Mindjack
What a way to start 2011 off, eh? How I ended up with this game is a funny story: I was attending an overnight party at my friend’s house, and while everyone else was getting drunk, my friend, knowing I’m not really into that, kindly let me sit inside the house and play some 360 games while everyone else was acting roudy. I was playing Mafia 2 and Crysis 2 at that point, and I liked them enough to ask him whether I could borrow one of the games. He said, “No, you can have Mindjack for keeps instead.”
Now, by this point, I had heard it was pretty bad and I was masochistic enough to put it to the test. I was not disappointed/pleased.
Whilst not quite as vile as everyone put it, no game has sapped my willpower quite as much as Mindjack’s 20 minutes I gave it. Everything about the gameplay just seems so insipid that I have to wonder whether or not it was deliberate. Utterly horrible in just about every way.
The 3rd Birthday
You might notice that this also popped up on my Most Disappointing list. See, this is a sequel of sorts to Parasite Eve 2, also known as my favourite game of all time…though I couldn’t tell you why. Even so, its qualities are easier to find than in this shoddy PSP exclusive. The first level is actually a really good introduction, prividing a nice body-swapping feature that provides most of the game’s appeal…which doesn’t last long and sson gives way to frustrating gameplay, repetitive level design and a heroine on a gian t comedown from being an awe-inspiring role model, now reduced to a timiid woman incapable of anything without support. Offensive? Don’t blame me. I didn’t design the game.
Also, here’s a bit of interesting brain food; Square published both this and Mindjack this year. Hmm…
Call of Juarez: The Cartel
It takes more than a hat, boy.
Like Mindjack, the gameplay is just so woefully insipid that it’s hard to imagine that Techland looked at the final product when they were finished and said, “This is absolutely fit for release to the public” with a straight face. I was probably the only person who thinks that going from the wild West into modern times whilst still having thematical similarities between the two was a good idea, but man did they screw up royally. Simply abysmal.
Dead Island
You guys say, “This is just filler for the list, lowest common demoniator stuff. It wasn’t that bad.” Ehh…yes and no.
The first part, which took place in the exterior, tropical parts of the island, was absolutely fine. In fact, it was good. Whilst a bit repetitive and underdeveloped, there’s something about jabbing a knife into a walking dead’s face that never loses its panache. Unfortunately, when you get to the city, the problems stack up a bit.
Even within the confines of a game where you can’t really die, Dead Island just gets too hard, throwing tons of both regular and special zombies in the way simply to pad out the journey. Glitches abound; I’m sure you’ve all seen many funny YouTube videos where animations go awry. And the game simply gets way too repetitive and fetch-questy as it goes on, with nothing to drive you on. It’s probably the best game on this list, but man, I still tore my hair out playing this.
Rayman 3D
Not as alluring as it doesn't appear.
Yep, this guy’s in both one of the best and one of the worst games this year. 3DS ports can be done right. I, after all, love Ocarina and Starfox 64 3D. This, however, was sad. The 3D worked half of the time, if at all, causing major problems if the camera clipped a wall or cliffside as it often did. The control nub was strangely sluggish, and the graphics just look old now. Maybe part of it’s the death of nostalgia as well. After all, Rayman 2 relied more on its charm and variety than its somewhat shoddy mechanics, and maybe 10 years just made that all too revealing. But dammit, this one hurt. A lot. It made me sad.
Doctor Lautrec and the Forgotten Knights
Aka, Professor Layton and the Rip-Off That Misses The Point. Whilst I can’t really comment on the story fairly (again), the game tries to do everything at once…and fails all of them. The stealth/environment puzzle sections are too imprecise to be fair, the puzzles, a far cry from Layton’s brilliant logic puzzles, are standard slide/crossword/sleuth fare and the RPG battle system…well, more power to those who can figure it out. Seriously, there’s at least one more Layton game on the DS to be translated. Can’t you guys hold out for that?
Note that I didn’t include movie tie-ins, because those are too obvious. Nor did I include Brink, because I didn’t play it. I didn’t include Rage, because I feel the console version’s at least basic fun, but the PC version might be worthy of a spot. But what do you guys think?
I actually liked The Third Birthday. =(
@Michael O’Connor, I found the controls to be too clunky to spend enough time with the game.
I don’t see Dragon Age 2 on there
@Derek Appel, I found that Dragon Age 2, taken as a whole, wasn’t a bad game in and of itself. It was just vastly inferior to the original.
@Derek Appel, no dragon age 2 here.. hmm… I must be needing glasses.
Oh, man. Rayman 3D. I had my money out for a 3DS port of Hoodlum Havoc, and then held my horses when I saw they were re-re-releasing Rayman 2. Good to hear I was well enough off not paying for it again.
Also the dead horse that is Duke Nukem Forever is grateful.
I like Dead Island, I’ve played through it several times, sure it’s not perfect, what game is? I thought the environments were really good. I liked the town, but the jungle was amazingly atmospheric. It was really worth going exploring as I found many locations with side missions that I wouldn’t have found just playing through the plot. What I didn’t like was the way you needed to use so much ammo to kill zombies, head shots didn’t do much and you couldn’t turn the auto aim off.
What and games like Duke Nukem Forever get a free pass?
You would have got the muck of sooner if you used hot water instead of cold.
@Matt, But with the amount of time I’d have to spend in the shower, I’d run out of hot water before it would be over and have to resort to cold water instead.
I tried. SO HARD. To like Lautrec. I really did.
But man, did pretty much everything gameplay related wrong.
Still, the characters were awesome.
Doctor Lautrec was horrible gameplay wise. Characters and Story were slightly above average.
thats great list all 360 ps3 crap haha , i can’t believe people say wii sucks m because it seams like thier console is home to the most disappointing games of all time!
the list starts at
perfect dark zero
haze-ps3
lair-killed a publisher
hour of victory
duke nukem forever- and this one is a complete disaster its already 10 dollars new at walmart hahah it just came out in 2011 to
mind jack
blood stone007- the worst in the series since eas goldeneye rogue agent— — can we say lack of multiplayer modes and gay ass gameplay mechanics- im so glad goldeneye came out for wii
instead of that garbage bloodstone
nuff said ps3 360 -loads of disappointments
@mike, There wouldn’t be enough room in an encyclopedia for every last piece of shovel ware and garbage that has been on the Wii, I’d rather have a handful of disappointments come out on my PS3 and my 360, then that collective pile of garbage Wii. Nintendo comes out with a 1st party game once like every 5 years, and you only ever get the occasional good game the shovel ware FAR outweighs the good games.
Bullshit! Parasite Eve 3 was absolutely fantastic!
Worst game of the year:
Trying to shag your mum. LOL !!!!
LOL dude. His (or her) mum might well well fit. One of those well fit 40 year old women you would love to give the best fuck they have every had in their life as their man who’s a bit older can’t get it up.
I’m going to watch some porn now with some really fit 40 year old women and wank myself to death.
@simple man, why.jpg
Duke Nukem Forever is worse than anything on that list.
I dont agree with Dead Island, I know its glitchy and not that polished that it could/should be, but its still a solid game the best RPG zombie game so far, something that hasnt been done alot. I know Dead Rising did but that got more boring more quickly and save mechanics was horrible. Dude that rote this does have a point, but putting it on the worst list, nah mate.
@Preet,
I agree that the RPG mechanics were well done and the coop can be entertainment, but I think it’s fun in an ironic sense. I think a lot of people have real issues with how the game handled itself after the beginning bungalow area. The city wasn’t done well and it is hard to argue that the story went to shit. I don’t agree that it was hard because there were many methods of beefing up your character, but he wasn’t comparing it to Dead Rising. I know plenty of people that hated DR and couldn’t get into it no matter what they did. Man, escort missions and saving in bathrooms sucked!
What the heck man? Are you serious? Quite a few Garbage games came out this year. You have 6 in your list? That is all? Half the games aren’t the worst either, where is Knights Contracted, Hunted and most importantly Duke Nukem Forever? You can’t give me a reason I will take for why you don’t have Duke Nukem Forever in this list.
The Mindjack opener was clever the rest of this was garbage.
@George,
Can’t speak for the other games as I have not played them, but Connor wrote in his other article that he wasn’t as badly affected by DNF as others were. Man, 2011 did have some real stinkers though.
@George, I haven’t actually played everything this year, although you may be right in Knights Contract. Or maybe not.
I don’t know for sure, I haven’t played it.