I’m not going to outright review Saints Row: The Third, but if I had to give it a score, it would be a 7: Riotous fun at the best of times, a painstaking hassle at the worst. Overall, however, it’s good enough for me to continually support this game in the hopes that the series will take a right turn next time. But that is the future, and for now, and every month or so, I will be looking at the DLC currently on offer. Over 40 weeks of DLC has been promised, so it will be very helpful to sort through what to actually get.

Professor Genki’s Hyper-Ordinary Pre-Order Pack – Currently only available by pre-ordering the game, and, um…

Really, if you don’t know what this is, you haven’t been in the gaming part of the internet long enough. The ads for this were everywhere.

The Man-a-pult is actually quite lame. Running over pedestrians to suck them up produces a cartoony and satisfying “thump!” sound which means vacuuming human dust never gets old. However, the actual range and power of the cannon is more limited than you would think. As well as being inaccurate, the Man-a-pult just lacks punch. Perhaps not terrible, but if you have the chioce to buy this one seperately from the others, just leave it.

The mind-controlling octupus bazooka, on the other hand, is really good. Shoot it at a target and it will begin fighting against its own before the octopus produces a large explosion. Scratch that, an incredible explosion. Seriously, the blast radius is so huge you can wind a fight against a large gang simply by firing an octupus and waiting thirty seconds behind cover. The game tries to balance this with the long detonation time and a limited supply of ammo, but really, you can win so many fights with this it’s incredibly funny. But hey, craziness, thy name is Saints Row: The Third, right?

The final part of the Genki pro-oder pack is the actual Professor Genki costume, which comes with the giant cat head and an Evel Knievel styled jumpsuit. The jumpsuit’s not bad, but the cat head is seemingly too oversized to fit in any cars, so it disappears whenever you enter one. So lame.

If this whole pack comes out, it might be worth it for the bazooka, but that’s for you to decide, really.

Money Shot Pack - Packaged with Prima Strategy Guide

The Money Shot pack comes with a sleek black Ultor Assassin suit, made especially for women. As such, the cups will look really silly on any male, perhaps past the point of fun, due the outfit trying to be a serious one. Still, it looks really cool for what it is.

The pack also comes with a full-auto, overpowered sniper rifle named the Togo 13, seemingly a reference to Golgo 13. The idea of a sniper machine gun is good, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a little bland to use. Rarely will you have a good opportunity to take full advantage of the weapon, and it just doesn’t feel very fun to use.

Finally, it comes with a jet bike. Sound kooky enough? You’d think so. But alas, there is already a jet bike in the game and, in my opinion, it looks better than the one provided. There’s no worth in this portion of the pack.

As a whole, not nearly worth buying the strategy guide for.

Co-op Pass – 800 MSP/$10/Packaged with new copies of the game

Allows you to play co-op. Yes, co-op is locked out unless you pay for it if you bought used. Despicable. I think we all know by now the stance some of us have on online passes, so allow me to join their ranks. This one doesn’t even make sense from a “covering costs” point of view, because games are always hosted on someone else’s console.

Season Pass – 1600 MSP/$20

Purchasing this will apparently net you a 15% discount on three pieces of upcoming DLC, as well as netting the one below free when you download it. Don’t you just love gambling your money, banking on whether DLC will live up to the early cost you have to pay and if the minor discount will be worth it? Obviously, I can’t say if this is a good deal yet, but by the time I can, I imagine it won’t be possible to purchase any more.

Nyte Blayde Pack – Only comes with Season Pass

The two costumes that come with this pack are actually pretty good, though you’ve seen one of them in the story if you’ve beaten it. The Bloody Cannonness is a sexy nun outfit that indeed works really well for female characters. The Altar Boy costume will make onlookers question your character’s sexual leanings no matter their gender, but it has a bowler hat which is instant win.

It also comes with two neat vehicles; a sleek red bike and a sports car with “fangs” on the front. These are pretty cool, but in a game with Tron bikes and VR tanks, you have to do better than that. Still, one of the better packs thus far. Pity about the availability arrangement.

Invincible Pack - 240 MSP/$3

You’re paying money for cheats. That’s all you need to know.

This is how low we’ve come, kiddies.

Z-Style Pack – 160 MSP/$2

The pack comes with a very pimpish looking costume; stylish, but nowhere near essential. It also comes with a cool looking shotgun that does nothing special but give you extra respect with each gang member kill. Yawn. Next.

Shark Attack Pack – 160 MSP/$2

Now we’re talking. The only piece of clothing that comes with this DLC is a rdiculous looking hat which consists of a shark biting your head while you wear it. Makes for a nice ince breaker at parties, know what I’m saying.

But the crown jewel is easily the Shark-O-Matic, a fish guts launcher that takes up your shotgun inventory space. Shooting fish guts is cool enough, but afterwards, wait about five seconds and you’ll see a shark erupt from the ground and eat your target. The slow shark spawn time, limited ammo and range makes the weapon very impractical…but it’s a fucking shark coming from the fround to eat your enemies! It’s just one of those things that never gets old, and I can easily recommend the pack on that.

Explosive Combat Pack – 160 MSP/$2

Disappointing pack. The futuristic military suit that comes with it just looks stupid, and the weapon is a mere grenade launcher with a bigger blast radius. Come on now. This game already has cyber SMGs, heat seeking rocket launchers and laser rifles, and the best add-on you can come up with is a grenade launcher? Pathetic.

Nope, not a good start for many weeks of DLC. The only one I can recommend at all is the Shark Attack pack for pure cheeky fun. Hold off on the rest unless you’re desperate.

And please, PLEASE, do not pay for the fucking cheats!